a couple weeks ago i saw donut (doughnut) peaches being sold while i was running errands and thought they were so cute so i drew one. i like that their shape is compared to both doughnuts and saturn's rings. it makes me think about my old semiotics classes when we talked about how we're able to recognise that a depiction of an apple is still an apple even if its not an actual apple. somewhat minute or fundamental human things like that have really been fascinating me lately like i was put on this planet only a week ago... it's my love for being alive and my heart that's way too soft...
i don't have a neat segue for the other things i want to talk about... i lost a croc charm i really liked at work recently and i just hate losing things so much. my coworker said something i thought was nice though, about how losing something means that something better is coming. i want to think that... but i didn't feel very soothed when she said it bc i could only stubbornly think to myself about how much i prefer the things i had. maybe why i can be pretty averse to change is bc i don't like that the former thing feels like its now lost forever. maybe impermanence really scares me. but what she said also reminded me of this quote i liked recently:
also everything returns, but what returns is not
what went away—
from louise glück's winter recipes from the collective. i saw that quote like a month or two ago and was actually pretty mad at it LOL despite liking it... like i just want the things i have...! i don't want to lose what i have. i wanted something to tell me that i can just have what i had. but now that i've lost this croc charm i'm really trying to stop being so hung up on everythinggg everrrr in my life and practice things like moving on and i've now accepted my coworker's words. i am ready for some new things :)
i think these feelings relate to how recently i've had this weird feeling of uncertainty hanging over me. maybe i'm just in a rut or something (what else is new) but this time i feel like i just can't imagine the future at all, like my life changing in any big way at all... a big part of it is definitely a constant awareness of how evil this world is... and climate change to be really frank. i genuinely am shocked that people are still like planning for their lives beyond a few months. i feel like something in me or around me has just...stopped...even though i've recently been trying to get moving on a lot of things i was stuck on for a while. ig it's because i haven't really completed anything substantial enough (to me) in a long time (mostly art or tasks i want to get done) to believe that there's some sort of end in sight. i really just cant imagine anything beyond imperialist death machine on a large scale, and the mundane ups and downs of my daily life on a smaller scale, right now. which i think sounds a bit bad but somehow i still feel happy enough and full of love for everything...! i guess it really is no use trying to analyse my feelings all the time. i've been feeling a lot of vague things like this lately and i really can't quite figure them out...but i think i should stop trying to figure them out. that's me asking myself to stop trying to figure myself out so much.
i was thinking that earlier actually because today went so not according to plan it was kind of amazing. on the train ride home i could only feel just completely stunned at how absolutely nothing i was looking forward to today went right or even fucking happened. and pretty much out of nowhere too??? none of it. i don't feel sad about it or anything just totally shocked that a day can be so botched. and i realised on that train that it's because i'm still thinking that every aspect of my life is within my control or my expectations even when i'm not actively doing anything to make that the case. i let adhd get the best of me on a daily basis and somehow think my life is totally predictable and customisable. i mean i guess my life feeling predictable and at a sort of plateau is what i was just saying my current state of mind is...i would love something new and nice to happen to me. like nicer than usual!
anyways because im now aware of yet another fucking way that i'm micro-managing my life in my mind (aside from my usual hunch that i might be compulsive) i'm now officially committing myself to just letting go! i've been kind of doing that the past month or so by trying not to worry too much about how i'm getting lunch on the days i have work, and just leaving it up to fate has actually been working out pretty well. so i'm going to leave things to "fate" more and stop stressing so much about what i could have done better or constantly trying to construct my life into something. i really need to learn to just live. this is a silly example of that earlier quote but there was a post of these really cute nails i saw on instagram once that i thought i had saved but when i accidentally reloaded the page i couldn't find them at all. this was a while back. and i spent way too long trying to find them again. but yesterday i was scrolling thru my saved posts and the nails post was randomly way at the bottom so i hadn't actually lost it like it "returned" without me working so hard looking for it. taking everything as a sign is something i'm also trying to stop doing btw. rmb mere moments ago when i said i was going to stop trying to figure myself out so much.
i will report back on how using my brain less will go 👍 please look forward to it 💗
also the mv for beomgyu's take my half is almost here...........