how hot it is tonight has me in a good mood 😊 but i'm in a good mood rn bc of other things i will now go into in further detail...
but firstly june has really been so weird so far with how cold it was... i'm so happy now that it's been getting hotter. i mean it doesn't have to be a heat wave but i like humid weather and being lightly sweaty and lounging on the floor in my room is da best. i like when it's too hot to think about little more than physical sensations. my apartment is really like a furnace though but i don't want an air conditioner bc i'm sick of the aircon at work >_<
what's really making me happy right now though is that i'm not hungry...! i just ate dinner and made something i can bring for lunch tmrrw for work and i feel so great about it. eating and feeling hungry all the time is something i've been struggling with for a while for reasons i won't get into, mostly bc it's kind of convoluted hehe, but recently i've finally given up on trying to cook meals after work and kind of just buy things that i can make to eat quickly at trader joe's instead and it's really changed a lot about my life??? like it's true that to feel better about yourself you have to prioritise treating your (corporeal) body with care over everything else...like you can't feel good if your body doesn't feel good. and i'm always tired and hungry bc i never manage to eat breakfast (i am still working on this) and i'm always stressed about what i'm going to eat and feeling disappointed in myself for never managing to eat enough and i was eating a lot of instant ramen last year which sucked so bad. also bc buying food really stresses me out bc i hate money, but recently i decided that i shouldn't prioritise money over feeding myself well, and now that i'm prioritising myself over it i really feel better about myself! go figure lol! i kind of had this weird made up rule (one of many) that not cooking my own meals meant i was failing at being an adult... but i'm really trying to get over things like that and i think i'm doing a pretty good job this year of identifying when i'm operating under some shitty made up rule thats making my life hard, thinking about where it's coming from, and then trying to get rid of it...like a programmer getting rid of a bug lol. like if i want more energy to do things (like cooking) there's nothing wrong with "cheating" (it's not cheating) with easier things to eat to get the energy in the first place. the rationale isn't even necessary but oh well. mind vortex.
i've actually spent the past couple months doing a lot of thinking about my life like that. i mean i do that all the time. negotiating with myself on how to live my life every single day. every single day... but recently i've made some useful and somewhat dramatic breakthroughs and gone through some weird.. i mean positive? i don't know why weird came to mind first?? interesting changes that i'd like to talk about, but a lot of them aren't coming to mind rn bc it's so hot in my room...! HAHA so i'll just stick to the main thing i wanted to write about today and hopefully they come up.
so i was reading nana (by ai yazawa) over the weekend and whenever i read a really fashionable josei manga i think about how much i want to be living a fashionable josei manga life every single day. i mean i already do but i often never feel like i'm doing the things i want to even when i'm literally doing them in the moment. i often feel like i'm not meeting my own standards for myself, so i need more practice feeling in touch with my own life i guess. i've been working on that too and i think after like 4 years of being in nyc i finally feel like my life is more tangible to me which is yayy awesome!! once i destroy my phone for good i'll truly be holding my life and turning it around in my hands and eating it like a fruit. a big part of that would be slowing down and not feeling like i'm always running out of time. i think i'm very greedy for joy. what was i saying... right i was reading nana and it made me think how one of the things i've been fighting with myself over for a while is putting in the effort to dress up and wear more pink at work. times i'm happiest include when i put effort into liking what i'm wearing and wear a lot of pink, but i was convincing myself that how much i hate work was why i didn't want to show that personal part of myself there. so i was only really feeling happy with myself when i was dressing up to go out on my days off, which was a pretty rare thing until this year. but i want to feel cute and fashionable as much as i can every day and i want to not let work get in the way of that. anyways the real reason wasn't my hatred for working, as real as that is, as much as it was shame! it's always shame! i realised that what i hated was that going to work meant being perceived by others, when i just wanted to hide in my room because i wasn't happy with certain aspects of myself/my life for a while. part of the reason was that i couldn't afford to dye my hair fully pink until november last year, then that same day i was finally getting my hair dyed i was also getting involved in twitter arguments that led to like a complete overhaul of how i was viewing my relationship to drawing. those two things combined really made me realise i was just embarrassed with myself... and so last year nov is like a really pivotal point in my life to me. i was thinking a lot about what i could do to make my life into something i liked more. when my roots grow out and my hair isn't pink i just hate everything!!!!
anyways i was reading nana.....and also was looking at some tweets from some gyaru which is always inspiring, and realised i'm still postponing being myself and doing things i like and blaming it on it being too much effort and hating my job. i mean those things are true like i don't wake up early enough to not be late for work nor eat breakfast so to focus on my appearance would feel like an irresponsible arrangement of my priorities. but yesterday and today i was like fuck it mascara over breakfast... today i dressed pinker than i usually dress at work and i realised that i was actually kind of nervous throughout my shift. i think bc i still consider work this "normal" place and myself too "weird" so i didn't want to mix those two things because i'd be embarrassed. and so i was feeling a bit embarrassed and constantly checking my appearance even though ik everyone i know does not care or was probably looking at me like it's just gabrielle. there was even a moment where a customer was whispering about me to their friend but i'm not even particularly bothered by that kind of thing. for me now that i've done it once i'm okay. i was so pleased with my appearance today...! i'm holding my life! i actually happened to read an interesting article last night on how your behaviours define who you are rather than the other way around, and it was helping me frame my reluctance to dress cuter at work. like i was thinking i wasn't cute enough to pull it off or something...but how can i be cute at all if i don't do it?
all this to say i've finally achieved my dream of feeling like miwako from paradise kiss (by ai yazawa) ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) 💗
