happy new year!! ππ
i drew my last outfit of the year :d for a cat-themed party i went to at a nice bar i really like. one of the things i want to do this yr is to go there a lot more >_< this pic is a bit false though bc my roots are really grown out right now...another thing i'm doing this year is growing my hair out without dying it π₯² i hate it so much already. i really wish i had a time machine specifically for my hair, but its okay.... i'll just finally achieve my vanity goals when i'm thirty lol. the only thing is if enha or txt announce a concert it has to be pink T_T so i'm hoping they don't do anything like that until at least the end of 2027
i actually have an unfinished entry on here from back when i saw enha for the first time last year in august... and of course i need to make an entry for when i saw txt in october too... i'm thinking of making the latter a kind of overarching entry on kpop in general. it's because i did sendoff and stuff and it was such an interesting experience. it gave me a lot to think about on idol/fan relationships hehe. i feel like i don't know when i'll get to any of these things though... the same old fighting with stagnancy every single time. i'm so over it. i started medication finally that i was really looking forward to helping me focus and saving me from this war of attrition i'm losing w my brain every day for years and i had to stop taking it very quickly for some admittedly dramatic reasons.. so i'm back to waiting for when i can get back on it............. ππ i'm so over it. i'm so so so so so over it! i really want to just crawl into a hole and have nobody or nothing bug me ever again but i know that's just the shame talking... it's almost alarming to me how much shame inhibits me! i am so hard on myself in my mind. i can't do anything on my days off w/o feeling bad about how much of a waste of time it all is bc nothing i want is ever done. it makes me feel like crying when i think about it. it sucks how badly i want to do things and just can't. i wish there was nothing else for me to do but those things but that's just not how life is... um but i'm not really here to whinge. i think i do that too much so this is meant to be my last time. i was going to reflect on last year a bit but now that i'm here there's not much i really want to say.. i was going to talk about what i want to work on this year too but i can't really do that without feeling very stressed, so i'm leaving that alone. it's like a secret. i can't talk about what i want to do because the shame grips me. it feels like i'm guarding it inside of a crystal. i feel like i need to be left alone for a really long time, but by what exactly...
compared to the past few yrs this one seems to have come without any fanfare at all, even if it was the first yr i went out to celebrate since moving to nyc. that was very fun! but the days pass as usual. there have been some changes at my job that make it less taxing which is nice; aside from that i can't say much has really changed. my newfound obsession with enhypen?? maybe?? my jjeongsungi jungwon monkey doll finally came in the mail and he's so precious and i'm really looking forward to taking pics of it whenever i go out so this year is looking pretty good. and enhypen is coming back on the 16th and they are looking pretty good too. there's a lot i want to say already on what they've released so far (hahaha) so i'm looking forward to writing about that too..... actually one of the things i want to do more this year that won't hurt me to talk about is creating more txt (and enhypen) related things o_< the other night i was thinking about txt's concept and their aesthetics again and was feeling so overwhelmed by inspiration i had to go do something else bc it was close to my bedtime already (the oxymoron that is me having a bedtime). i wish it was still feasible to run interest-based twitter accounts bc i would love to devote one to txt/enhypen fanart, screencaps, thoughts etc. and it's annoying how that specific micro-blogging format is so gratifying bc of how thoughts can be so conveniently in different formats (i mean like text, images etc. so its not actually unique to twitter) and in one place. i really want to do something like that for txt, not only because it feels good but bc i feel like my brain needs constant reorganisation, but i also want to wean myself off of micro-blogging as the method to do this. ive felt for a long time constantly dispelling my emotions and thoughts through tweets is something i should stop doing, so some years ago i slowly cut out how much twitter i use, especially compared to when i was in college. i don't want to attach catharsis to tweeting. and i want to do something more intentional. i guess "slowing down" would be a good way to sum up how i want to approach this year. i don't really want a txt section on here though, so i guess what i'm going to have to do is blog posts like i've been mentioning. i never had a dreamwidth but i think something like that. i'm sure i can do something like that on here.
so why is it year of the cat? well after effectively tricking myself into becoming an enhypen fan and becoming jungwon(+jay) biased i remembered how cute i find people who look like cats. and their emoji are both cats too so when i see a black or tabby cat object or picture or anything my day becomes very enriched. ive genuinely started to like cats more. i've never been a cat person like ever but now i'm really into them as an aesthetic thing too. and i always really like how esoteric of a hobby kpop tends to be despite its popularity. its such a ridiculous hobby that i find it freeing. i met with a friend a few weeks ago and she was like i have no idea what you talk about on twitter anymore hahaha. i got into photocard collecting and oshikatsu more too and i've always wanted to do more of that kind of thing... idk how to really say it... i like to do those kinds of romanticising your life things, but specifically bc it's such a nerdy way to do it. i like such deep hobbies. i want to spend the year quietly focusing on the intricacies of my hobbies, so it's year of the cat. it was a perfect coincidence that i found a cat-themed party to go to to ring in the new year πΈπΈ that means it's real.
alongside my cats, there are a few other things that make me feel inspired and like i can do it. like my head isn't just flying away from me... things like coming up with more of a medieval/arthurian/fantasy book art style, drawing artistic inspiration from cute objects and desserts, working on this website... and most importantly just doing one thing at a time. i get really paralysed because i think of everything all at once. i need to think of it as one foot in front of the other. oh and i'm giving up on the internet π½ i came to this same conclusion nov 2024 and i'd wanted to discuss it through a comic but couldn't bother finishing it, so most of my introspection ended up being expressed through tweets and conversations with friends. well i've come to the same conclusion again. maybe i'll write about it on here. i'm giving up on the internet again.